SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. BRIGGS: SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS A LITTLE TALK WITH HER. BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS BRIGGS HER FINGER AND CARLY WALKS IN. FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT. CARLY WALKS TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: BRIGGS! BRIGGS: IM CALM. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN OUT LAUGHING. MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A WELL, I PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. CARLY: NO, NO. A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT CARLY: WELL, IF YOU THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL CARLY AND PRINCIPAL START ARGUING. MISS OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS. CARLY: MY FATHERS STATIONED IN RIGHT NOW. PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS WELL THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER! CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER. BRIGGS: OH, YES. THE ARTIST. CARLY: HES A ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW YEAR. CARLY: YEAH, HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY. BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE! CARLY: MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! MISS NOT ANYMORE. CARLY: AW, ON! MISS ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.
SCENE TWO HALLWAY OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW ARE YOU SORRY FOR? KID: FOR SAYING IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND HER EYES. SAM: AND WHAT AM I KID: AND SWEET. SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE TIME CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL AN IDEA. WHAT? CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP BAD THINGS! CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD. WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND! CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. WHY ARE YOU MINE? CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A AGAIN. SAM: BECAUSE IM A PERSON!
SCENE CARLYS APARTMENT SCENE WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. YOU DROPPED THIS! CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER THIS THING. FREDDIE: I AM IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO SOME AUDITIONS. CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS. FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE. WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS. CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE. FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT! CARLY OPENS HER DOOR AND INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. SPENCER: IM SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. SPENCER: YOURE IM ABNORMAL? CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF! NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS PIPE SPENCER ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS. CARLY: I BELIEVE YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME. SPENCER: PLEASE ME STAND UP. CARLY HELPS UP. CARLY: ARE YOU SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS UP. SPENCER: YEP! THAT HER. GOOD. LISTEN, I NEED A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. I WOULD AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LIKE A SQUIRREL. I MADE IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
SCENE FOUR PART 1 AUDITIONS SCENE WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD! CARLY IS BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: DO YOU THINK OF MY EQUIPMENT? CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR. SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU JUST YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SAM: SO YOU I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? FREDDIE: OH, SURE. ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA! SAM WALKS TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT. SAM: CARLY WILL LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME. PICKS UP HIS CAMERA. CARLY: (IN A VOICE) PLEASE STAY! FREDDIE PUTS HIS DOWN. OKAY. SCENE PART 2 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE. CARLY: HEY, JEB. TO AUDITION? JEB: YEAH. I BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. OKAY CARLY: WE DONT KNOW WHAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? TURNS ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB A MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. JEB: WHEN WILL SHE BE JEB PUTS HIS ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I FIND JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE OFFSTAGE. SAM: YA THINK? CARLY: I KNOW! SAM: YOU KNOW? CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW! SAM: BUT YOU KNOW! HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT KNOW? SAM: I KNOW. FOUR PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM. SCENE OPENS WITH ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP. SCENE FOUR 4 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED. TARAN: I WILL BE THIS TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: WHILE HOPPING ON POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW THATS WHAT IM ABOUT! JUMP AND BLOW-HO! SCENE FOUR PART 6 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM START WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. THATS NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM WALKS OVER TO THE AND CARLY STANDS UP. WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS BRIGGS CRAZY BOOBS! FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS TO CARLY. SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. IS UP WITH THOSE? CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA! (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. OOH! ELEVEN? CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE. SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH KID HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE FIVE CARLYS APARTMENT AT SCENE OPENS CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, WAKE UP! CARLY HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. SAM: TIME IS IT? CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM COMING TO YOU UP? SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. CARLY: I INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT! SAM: WELL YOU CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY WALKS TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING. WHATCHA DOIN? CARLY: IM TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. SAM: I HATE BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER CARLY: SHUT UP AND LOOK AT THIS! SAM OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: FREDDIE DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? CARLY: NO. HE US! WHAT? LOOK! SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS. THATS US! CARLY: IS! FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! CARLY SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY BOOBS! WHOA! IF SHE SEES THAT CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE CLICKED ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. CARLY: YEAH? CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.