SCENE ONE OFFICE SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS IN THE ROOM. BRIGGS: SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS A LITTLE TALK WITH HER. MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS BRIGGS HER FINGER AND CARLY WALKS IN. FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT. CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: BRIGGS! BRIGGS: IM CALM. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UH PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING. MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS? WELL, I PRINCIPAL RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS? CARLY: WELL, IF YOU THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL CARLY AND FRANKLIN START ARGUING. BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS. CARLY: MY STATIONED IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW. PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME IN CHARGE OF HER! MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER. MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST. HES A GREAT ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR. CARLY: YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE ON SATURDAY. BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE! CARLY: MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE FOR ME. BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! MISS NOT ANYMORE. AW, COME ON! MISS ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS BRIGGS: (YELLING AND TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY GRABS HER AND LEAVES.
TWO MAIN HALLWAY SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW ARE YOU SORRY FOR? FOR SAYING YOURE IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES. SAM: AND AM I AGAIN? KID: AND SWEET. SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT CARLY INTERUPTS BY SAMS HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME. CARLY: (IN A VOICE) WELL HERES AN IDEA. WHAT? CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP BAD THINGS! WALKS OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD. SAM: IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND! GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE? CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN. BECAUSE IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!
SCENE THREE CARLYS SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. FREDDIE: YOU THIS! CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME? (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET THIS CRUSH THING. FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS. CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS. PULLS OUT HIS PHONE. FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU MY DIGITS. HEY, YOU GOT A NEW CELL PHONE. FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT! CARLY HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. SPENCER: IM SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. SPENCER: YOURE IM ABNORMAL? CARLY: DO I TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND PIPE FALLS ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS. CARLY: I CANT BELIEVE YOURE IN OF ME. PLEASE HELP ME STAND UP. CARLY HELPS UP. CARLY: ARE YOU SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND BACK UP. SPENCER: YEP! FIXED HER. CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW VIDEOCAMERA. SPENCER: I AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL. SPENCER: I MADE IT A SQUIRREL.
SCENE FOUR PART 1 ROOM SCENE OPENS CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD! CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT? CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS? FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR. HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE PUTS ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW WAS GONNA BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA! SAM OVER TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT. CARLY WILL NEVER LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM HOME. FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA. (IN A SWEET VOICE) PLEASE STAY! FREDDIE HIS CAMERA DOWN. OKAY. SCENE PART 2 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE AUDITION ONSTAGE. CARLY: HEY, JEB. TO AUDITION? YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. SAM: CARLY: WE DONT KNOW WHAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? TURNS ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB A MUSTACHE ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WHEN WILL SHE BE JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I HER? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. WHAT YA THINK? CARLY: I KNOW! SAM: YOU KNOW? CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW! BUT YOU MUST KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW? I DONT KNOW. SCENE PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM. SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP. FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED. TARAN: I WILL BE PLAYING TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: HOPPING ON THIS POGO-STICK. PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT! SAM: AND BLOW-HO! SCENE PART 6 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE. THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM START WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. THATS NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE AND STANDS UP. WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS BRIGGS CRAZY BOOBS! FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY. (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE? CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS! OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. SAM: OOH! CALM DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE. SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH KID HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE FIVE CARLYS APARTMENT AT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. WAKES UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) HEY, SAM? WAKE UP! CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. SAM: WHAT IS IT? CARLY: LATE. YOURE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP? SAM: SHES NOT. I HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. CARLY: I INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT! SAM: WELL YOU CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. WALKS OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING. SAM: WHATCHA CARLY: IM TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER CARLY: UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS! SAM OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE DIDNT THE AUDIOTIONS? NO. HE UPLOADED US! SAM: LOOK! SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS POINTY BOOBS. THATS US! SURE IS! SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! LOOKS SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! WHOA! IF SHE SEES THAT CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM? SAM: CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.